Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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