This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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