I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
