So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
