Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
