We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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