Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
