Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
