cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
