I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
