i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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