went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
