oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
