You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
