My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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