Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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