I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
