She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
