I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
