The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Send help, water and tortillas.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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