I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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