I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
