I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
