Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
