I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
