guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
