I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
