it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
