GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
