Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
