when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
