I faked an abortion last night.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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