Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
