The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
