I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
