well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
