so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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