Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
