The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
