I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
