Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
