new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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