And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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