I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
