Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
whose parrot is this?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
