I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
