were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
