Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
