Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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