Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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