I haven't been this sober since birth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
